The Hazards of the Job
by The Fallen Sky
Summary: Being a superhero means facing some potentially hazardous situations.


Title: The Hazards of the Job  
Author: The Fallen Sky  
Rating: M  
Pairing: Kick-Ass(Dave)/Hit Girl(Mindy)  
Summary: Being a superhero means facing some potentially hazardous situations.  
Warning: Some foul language and sexual content  
A/N: This is my third Kick-Ass fic and also my third Dave/Mindy fic. This story is majorly AU, is told from Dave's POV, and I'm not entirely certain as to the exact time-line of when it takes place. However, Dave and Mindy are at least the same ages they were in KA2, perhaps slightly older. By the way, this is a one-shot, in case you were wondering.

Special thanks to Makokam for helping me iron out a few issues.

Feedback is welcome and appreciated. Enjoy!

* * *

He follows her into the safe-house, silently watching as she makes a b-line toward the bathroom. Several seconds later, he hears her practically shout, "SON OF A BITCH!"

He knew she wouldn't be happy, but her reaction still causes him to flinch.

As he removes his mask, he can hear her continue her verbal tirade.

"It's _everywhere_! It's on my suit! It's on my mask!" There's a moment's pause before, "Shit! It's even in my wig!"

He winces at that last statement as he tosses his mask on one of the workbenches.

Putting on his glasses, he sees her practically stomp out of the bathroom, her purple wig in her right hand and her mask in her left, her long, unruly golden locks fluttering wildly behind her, her face filled with a mix of shock, anger and disbelief.

She comes to a stop directly in front of him, looks him in the eye and says in an exasperated voice, "How the fuck am I supposed to clean this shit up?"

He opens his mouth to respond, but she continues before he can make a sound.

"It's not like I can throw it in the wash or take it to the dry cleaner. And there's no way I'm wearing my gear with this stuff all over it."

He doesn't know what to say to that, and he doesn't get the chance to come up with anything, because she continues, her voice calmer now.

"I'm gonna have to use my back-up gear and order another set to replace this one." She finishes by muttering, "Stupid fucking asshole wannabe paparazzo."

After waiting a few moments to make sure she's done, he finally speaks, his voice low and repentant, "I'm sorry, Mindy."

Her expression, demeanor and voice all soften at his words.

"It's not your fault, Dave."

He can tell by her voice and the look in her eyes that she's serious, that she doesn't blame him for what happened, but he still feels responsible.

"But it is my fault. I'm the one-"

She cuts him off before he can go any further.

"No, it's the douchebag-with-the-camera's fault. He snuck up on me, surprised me."

"Yeah, but he wouldn't have been able to surprise you if you hadn't been distracted, and I'm the reason you were distracted."

"Okay, so maybe I was distracted, but that was my doing. I'm the one that suggested it and then practically had to force you."

"I wouldn't say you had to force me."

She smirks at that, remembering how she had to badger, beg and plead before he finally relented. Although, his reluctance was more about getting caught than not wanting to do it.

"Maybe not, but it took longer for you to agree than I expected."

"Well, you just dropped it on me out of nowhere!" He says in exasperation.

She responds with a grin and a teasing tone. "I thought you liked my spontaneous nature."

He can't help but return her grin as he remembers all the amazing things that have happened to him because of how spontaneous she is.

His voice is kinda wistful as he responds, "Yeah, you're pretty amazing."

She smiles coyly at that, clearly touched by his words.

They spend the next few moments staring at each other like love-struck fools until he notices the wig and mask in her hands and remembers what they were talking about before they got sidetracked.

He immediately sobers and picks up where they left off.

"It may have been your idea, but I agreed, and I'm the one who ruined your gear."

Her smile drops, and she looks both disappointed and annoyed that he won't let it drop and that he keeps blaming himself.

"You wanna take the blame? Fine. It's all your fault. You ruined my gear, and I'm pissed at you for it. Happy now?"

He knows she's just being sarcastic, but hearing her blame him actually hurts. His shoulders slump, his eyes fall to the floor, and his voice is crestfallen.

"I'm sorry."

He hears her sigh, and then he feels her hand against his cheek and her soft voice says, "I know you're sorry, and I forgive you."

He looks up then, and sees the sincerity in her face.

She gives him a gentle smile and continues, "I'm not mad at you, and I never was. Truth is, I actually enjoyed it, all of it."

He gives her a perplexed look. "Really? You enjoyed _all_ of it? Even the part where the douchebag-with-the-camera showed up and I..." He gestures toward her suit, mask and wig.

Her smile brightens and her voice takes on a hint of mischief. "Jizzed all over me?"

His face heats up at her graphic but completely accurate account of events.

She chuckles at his reaction, which only makes him blush more, and before he knows what's happening, she gives him a quick yet passionate kiss.

After a moment, she pulls back, a huge smile on her face and says, "Fuck, you're cute."

He can't help the goofy smile that splits his face at that.

A comfortable silence envelops the room only to be broken moments later by his now mirthful and disbelieving voice.

"I still can't believe that happened."

"I know! I mean, there I was, enjoying a mouthful of your cock, eagerly anticipating you blowing your load, when that guy comes out of nowhere and yells, "Yeah baby, suck that cock!" Who the fuck even says shit like that? I was so surprised, and I don't know exactly how it happened, but I unexpectedly deep throated you for a second, started choking, pulled back and got blasted in the face by your baby batter. I swear, it felt like you were spraying me with a high pressure fire hose!"

He blushes and chuckles at her animated recounting of events.

"I got hit in the eye, and it blinded me. By the time I could see again, I was ready to jump into action, but you beat me to it. I'll never forget it. There you were, kicking that guy's ass with your cock hanging out!"

She's smiling like a loon, now, fighting the urge to double over laughing.

Her mood is infectious, and he finds himself also trying not to laugh as he finishes the story.

"I saw you drop to the ground, holding your hands to your eye, and I thought the guy hit you or something, and I just snapped. I pulled my batons and went to town on him. It wasn't until after I was sure I'd knocked him out that I noticed there was some jizz on his clothes, and then I looked down and saw my dick hanging out, and it hit me. I jizzed on this guy."

They both burst into hysterical laughter.

Once he's able to catch his breath he continues between laughs, "The guy dropped his camera and tried to run away, and I thought it was because he was scared because he realized I'm Kick-Ass and was about to kick his ass, but I must still have been coming when I charged him, and he didn't want to get any on him!"

They double over with laughter, only staying upright by holding onto each other and a nearby workbench.

He's not sure how long it takes, but they finally sober up, the good mood of earlier intact but muted.

They look at each other, smiles still on their faces, but it's her who breaks the silence.

"That asshole deserved what he got. And it was fun watching you rock out with your cock out."

They both chuckle at that but manage not to dissolve into full-blown laughter.

Still smiling and with a hint of laughter and mischief in her voice, she adds, "I'm glad I talked you into adding that zipper to your suit, you know, for answering calls of nature, spur of the moment blowjobs and disarming voyeuristic pervs."

His cheeks flame, but he can't help the laugh that escapes at her words, a laugh she shares before a companionable silence descends on them.

It's his turn to break the silence.

"It was certainly an interesting night. But, I definitely don't want it repeated..._ever_."

"Agreed."

Her response surprises him, and that surprise is reflected in his voice. "Really?"

Her tone is very matter-of-fact as she replies, "Absolutely. Next time I wanna suck you off while we're on patrol, I'm gonna make sure we're someplace where we won't be interrupted. Sucking cock in an alley isn't as fun as I thought it'd be. I mean, my suit got stained, some pathetic douchebag filmed me giving my boyfriend a blowjob, and the worst part is that I didn't get to swallow your load."

He expects to see a devilish smirk on her face, some sign that she's kidding or exaggerating, but there isn't any. She's completely serious, and that has him feeling both a little scared and a lot excited.

He can't wait for tomorrow night's patrol.

As he's lost in his fantasies, wondering what delightful things she might have planned for future patrols, she pulls something out of her pocket.

Curious, he looks at the tiny object in her hand and asks, "What's that?"

"The memory card from that asshole's camera."

He hadn't even thought about that. The guy had filmed them during a private moment, a moment that no doubt would've ended up on the internet and made them more famous than they already are but not in a good way. He doesn't mind being an internet celebrity, but he doesn't want to be labeled an amateur porn star, and he certainly doesn't want the world to think of Mindy as some kind of cheap whore who likes to suck cock in alleys.

"Shit, I completely forgot about the camera. If you hadn't taken the memory card..."

"I'd be the number one new porn star on the internet, and I'd have to hear all about how I'm either great at sucking cock or terrible at it, not to mention all the looks I'd get on the street as we patrol or the offers to do more porn movies." Her tone is light and teasing, but her expression is one of mild disgust as she imagines the scenario she's laid out.

Feeling just a bit evil, he says in a totally serious voice, "You'd make a great porn star."

Not missing a beat, she responds in an equally serious voice, "Fuck yeah, I would."

They stare at each other for a moment before each of them start to smile.

"Just for the record, you're incredible at sucking cock." His tone is light and slightly teasing but with an underlying seriousness.

Her voice is soft and uncertain as she replies, "Really?"

He looks her square in the eye and says with complete certainty and sincerity, "Absolutely. In fact, you're incredible at everything you do, and I mean _everything_."

She ducks her head at his compliment, smiling coyly, before rising up on her toes and kissing him tenderly.

After several long moments, she finally breaks the kiss, a soft smile on her lips as she pulls back.

"You're pretty incredible yourself, Dave." She says in a soft, wistful and love-filled voice which causes him to blush a bit and his chest to fill with pride and affection.

They gaze lovingly into each other's eyes for a while, the moment slowly fading.

Eventually, she breaks the silence, "So, whaddya say we get out of our gear and take a look at ourselves in action?"

He gives her a perplexed look for a second, not registering what she's talking about, but realization dawns as she waves the memory card in front of him, and he can feel heat rise both on his cheeks and in certain other parts of his body.

Seeing his reaction to her suggestion, she smirks, her eyes alight with mischief.

Without saying a word, he begins unzipping his wetsuit, which causes her to chuckle before she begins removing her gear.

As he's removing his boots, he asks, "You're not really gonna trash your gear, are you?"

She considers it for a second before responding, "Nah. I've got too many good memories attached to it to just throw it away." She pauses for a moment before continuing. "Although, I don't think I'll be able to patrol in it anymore. Somehow, I don't think jizz stains will inspire fear in my enemies."

He chuckles at that. "No, I don't suppose they would."

Smiling and with mischief in her voice, she says, "Maybe I could wear it when we make our next adult film."

His brain practically melts upon hearing her words, but he somehow manages to say something, his voice strained and cracking. "Next adult film?"

She responds, completely serious, "I'm thinking we can call it 'The Adventures of Hot Girl and Fuck-Ass.'"


End file.
